The New Year is a great time to take stock of so many things…
like who you are, and who you want to be. It is up to you to decide and take charge.
The new year is a great time to read this Dating with D’Andra. I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
“Woman Of Value
So many women ask me how to attract a man, not just any man, but the right man—someone they would want to spend their life and their time with. In a city like Dallas there is fierce competition. Dallas is a city of beautiful people, high standards and lots of single men and women. What do I tell them? What is my secret? Stop trying so hard. You can certainly tell your friends you are ready and willing to meet someone if they know of a possible suitable match, but leave it at that.
Dallas is a town full of gossipers; one of the worst sins in my opinion, but I will leave that to another column. In my single life, the longest I have ever gone without a date is about 2 weeks. Of course, this is a topic many women love to speculate on in the “Dallas Sewing Circles.” I have been the victim of vicious rumors and gossip about how I have always found a man when others remain single. Most of the gossip centers on whether or not I am pretty enough, my “supposed” net worth, my weight at the time (people love this topic) and my connections, so to speak. Of course, this gives the gossipers something to discuss at length, as there are always new iterations of stories to invent about someone when you are just a “mean girl” with nothing else to do but wallow in the “poor me” syndrome. I have heard ridiculous stories about my “supposed” life and how I magically find men without even trying.
The truth is, there is no secret and I don’t have a magic wand. I do have some qualities that men seek in women they want to date. They are:
- Self-Confidence. It has taken me years to acquire this, and a lot of work on my “self” along the way, but as they say, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Now, when I hear stories people have invented about me that are blatantly false and intended to hurt me by shattering my self-confidence, I just laugh and realize that the gossiper has a long way to go in his or her own quest for self-confidence, and must be overwhelmingly insecure and unhappy. I, however, have the confidence I need to keep my eye on the ball and my goal in sight. I don’t get sidetracked by rumors. Be confident of “your” worth and what you bring to the table when finding Mr. Right.
- Be a woman of high value. What does that mean? How do you value yourself? Do you treat yourself well? Do you respect your body or abuse it? Do you let people take advantage of you or do you stand your ground? When you have a moral principle that you believe in do you stand for that principle or let others convince you of their opinions? Don’t compromise your values or your standards for anyone, no matter how attractive he or she might be or what you think you might gain. In the end, it will never work because your conscience will get the best of you.
- Be Independent and able to stand on your own financially and otherwise. Before you get a guy, you have to get a life. Most men worth having are not “rescuers”. In fact, every man I have ever dated who wanted to “rescue” me, so to speak, in fact wanted to “control” me. Most of the time this happens with money. If you are a woman who has a job and is supporting herself and her lifestyle, then continue that pattern during the dating process. If it were me, I would do the same after marriage, as the one thing I detest is being controlled, and money is all about control. If you end up in a position to marry a person with considerable means, then you can discuss your career and options before the wedding. Most of the time there will be an ironclad pre-nuptial, so make sure IF you give up your career and dreams and the marriage ends, you have a career to go back to and some sort of income to assist you without strings attached while you are sorting things out. I assure you that twenty years later the workforce will look different than when you left. Stay educated, informed on current events and well read. This will keep you up to date on what is happening outside of your own personal Camelot.
- Don’t go changing. So many women think that they must conform to become a part of someone else’s life. You have an exciting, interesting life that the “right” person will want to be a part of. Don’t change your likes and dislikes to mirror someone else’s hobbies or preferences. Live your life and not only will the right person find you, you will be so much happier in return. This goes back to non-conforming. Keep your head up and values intact.
- A short note on religion. It is much easier to marry and date someone within your same religion, especially if there are children involved. When you mix religions it makes it hard to make decisions together and it confuses the children. For me, it was and has been easier to marry within my own faith than to try to juggle separate religions and compromise my core belief system. If you decide to date and marry someone from another religion, then know that this is an extra hurdle you will both have to cross together, and one person may have to relinquish their belief system to please the other person and keep calm in the home. This may create tension not only in the home, but also internally if you are a person whose religious faith is at the core of who you are.
- Many people are going to slam me on this one, but it is 100% true. Not everyone is a beauty queen, I get that. However, we can all maintain ourselves and put our best face forward by taking care of our physical body. What does this mean? Regular exercise to stay healthy, a good diet, good personal hygiene and grooming. (Now, I realize there is a difference in Dallas and Denver. For example, women here tend to wear a lot more makeup, dress very stylish and in general “up the standards” for the rest of the country. In general, we are not a “granola” sort of place here in Dallas and if you are that is great, but you may want to go somewhere that is more in line with your style to meet a mate like you). Back to the facts! In the first 30 seconds of “seeing” someone you know whether or not you are “attracted” to that person. That is human nature. Like it or not, we are all visual creatures and we make the first decision about furthering a relationship with someone with our eyes. Make sure you are always looking your best if you want to meet a potential mate.
Dating should be a simple process. Boy meets girl, girl peaks his interest and he peaks hers, and so it is on! (And yes, I still believe that the man should do the pursuing!) The problem is that we are all marrying later and dating later, and starting over through multiple divorces etc. What does that mean? We are bringing in all the garbage from the many years of disappointment and heartbreak to a new relationship, and instead of starting fresh and starting over, we are attributing those negative patterns and experiences to our new potential mate. He or she doesn’t even have a chance and neither do we. Dating can be simple again, but so many of us get side tracked with attaching old behaviors to new relationships. Start over, start fresh, be the person you really want to be with someone new. Give yourself a chance to create a new life with a new person. Out with the old and in with the new! Happy dating in 2015!”
D’Andra Simmons is a businesswoman and philanthropist. She is the founder of Hard Night Good Morning Skincare and an active volunteer for the Dallas community serving on the Advisory Board of Booker T. Washington School for the Performing Arts, volunteering with the Junior League of Dallas, AIDS Services of Dallas or Cattle Baron’s Ball for the American Cancer Society.