By D’Andra Simmons Okay, I get it. You are single and ready for a relationship.
I know what that’s like. I have been there before, and so have scores of other single men and women. However, desperation reads like the plague when it comes to a new prospective mate entering your life. So, you want my advice? Maybe not, but I am going to give it to you anyway! Stay calm, cool and carry on. That’s all… very simple advice, but for some it has proven time and again to be SO HARD to follow.
I have had a few friends in the last few weeks recount stories of desperate male daters. And, I have talked to those on both sides of the relationship. So, guys and gals, listen up! I touched on this briefly last week with the dating brain conversation, but now I am going to hit it hard and straightforward! Don’t pursue someone so eagerly that you make them uncomfortable. From a woman’s perspective, I know what that feels like.
Story goes like this…You have had two dates with a guy, and he is texting you and calling you incessantly, your phone is blowing up, and he is even sending you emails. Plus, the kiss of death is when you log on to social media, and on every post on Instagram and Facebook, there HE is! As soon as you post something he comments on it! Stalker alert!! That signals to me that he is watching your every move to know where you are, who you are with and then planning and plotting around your posts—ugh! It exhausts me to just think about it. He is desperate not only to be with you, but to invade your privacy so much that he knows your every move. His phone is on high alert for information about YOU! He is available whenever you call…him back – he picks up the phone always on the first or second ring – because his whole existence is about the next plan he is making with you.
As a woman, the feeling that ensues is not a good one. It is NOT comforting or exciting that a man takes so much interest in you. It is scary and weird! I remember being in this position and having a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that made me have anxiety every time the phone rang, or a text came through from someone that was nice, but whom I was just not that “in” to. I was dreading the upcoming unavoidable discussion I knew I was going to have to have sooner or later for my sanity and to recover my time. Most women in this position try to let the guy down easy, or prevent an all-out heartbreak with a conversation that goes something like this. “You know, John, I have enjoyed our time together, and you are a very nice guy. However, I just got out of a 3 year long-term relationship with someone, and I am just not ready to jump into another relationship.” Or, even more detail if that person is truly feeling bad and a slight possibility remains that in the future if the guy plays his cards right, he might be a dating candidate. The rest of the conversation goes something like this. … “That is not saying that down the road I would not be open to dating someone exclusively again, but for now I just want to date around and have fun without being committed and work on myself.”
Okay, guys, take the hint! Don’t imagine that somewhere down the road is next week or two weeks or a month. Most often, the relationship won’t develop into something because if it were going to, it would have already sparked. And, by that, I mean, CHEMISTRY! You can try to tell yourself, “I am not going to go headlong into another relationship because I am just not ready” and then, WHAM! chemistry takes over and you meet someone unexpectedly that you are REALLY attracted to and you are ready to start the dating dance again. This is just life, plain and simple…more animalistic than we want to admit.
When a woman gives you a sign of aloofness or a conversation that relates like the one I just made up, do yourself and the woman a favor, and move on. You may be hurt, you may be disappointed and truly heartbroken (although this seems far-fetched after two dates), but you need to pull yourself up by the boot straps and carry on! The only chance you have of it ever working will be to accept her revelation with charm and understanding and never call her again! She knows where you are and if she changes her mind she will contact you, and you may or may not be available!
Also, recently a friend of mine recounted a similar story and the guy she had two dates with at her parent’s urging, but did not really like for more than a friend, went out and bought her an expensive piece of art! She told him nicely that since they lived in separate countries, the distance would probably be a factor in her just wanting to remain friends BEFORE he purchased the piece of art. Why would he do this? It is obvious that the guy thought he could win her with his generous bank account instead of their chemistry. So, the lesson is, don’t go purchase an expensive gift for someone that has given you a nice “kiss off.” It won’t endear them to you unless a case of Champagne is involved and then for maybe just one tawdry night—just kidding! It will just mean you are out a lot of money and you could have saved that for the REAL princess that walks into your life!
My friend Sophie put’s it like this; don’t try to lock it down when there is no chance. Save yourself some time and some dignity!
D’Andra Simmons is a businesswoman and philanthropist. She is the founder of Hard Night Good Morning Skincare and an active volunteer for the Dallas community serving on the Advisory Board of Booker T. Washington School for the Performing Arts, volunteering with the Junior League of Dallas, AIDS Services of Dallas or Cattle Baron’s Ball for the American Cancer Society.
Three things Miss Jane: When I first read the article, I jumped in assuming you wrote it, then noticed it was actually written by a friend.
Haha D’Andra is more of an authority than I:)
Going out looking for love or the “love of your life” usually doesn’t work. We tend to only see what we want to see blinding ourselves of the negative. How many times have you or someone you know said , “OMG, I just found the love of my life, we have so much in common, he / she is so perfect my life is so great”. Then a month or so later, “OMG, he/she has changed and turned into such a jerk…” They didn’t change, you just finally open your eyes and saw the real them. we must be good with our selves uncomfortable being with our selves before we can be good with anyone else. In other words we can’t be needy or depend on someone else to make us happy or feel complete. In my early 20’s I was burning up the road looking for love in all the wrong places. One day my grandmother told me I remind her of a story about a puppy that chased its tail thinking it was happiness but could never catch it. But one day it got tired of chasing his tail and and as he went along he noticed his tail was following him everywhere he went. It took me about 20 years to finally get what she was trying to tell me. I have strayed from this lesson in life a couple of times since then and it proved to be true each time. If we just go about our ways putting priority on ourselves and our families other Things will fall right into place…
Comfortable not uncomfortable
Thanks for the thoughtful comments Ronny, enjoyed reading them, Jane.